It's not that I keep my preference from anyone. Just that I don't talk much about it because I don't want to make a big deal out of it. However, I get transparent sometimes. A little hint here and there. I often do so online because words are the only means of showing who I am. Should someone meet me in person, he/she would be able to tell just after a couple of minutes. I don't really need disclosure. Well, most of the times.
It's actually when I open up that usually gets me into trouble. Fine people whom I chat with, and perhaps enjoy my verbal exchanges online, turn to become too cautious. What's worse is when my jokes that they loved to laugh at, suddenly sends a different message. Something that makes them feel very uncomfortable.
Words. I am never sensitive with my words, whether online or in person. The problem is how I am heard. Should a guy be told, "You're just so easy..." he'd automatically know what I mean. The context is in the situation and most recent conversations. But once there's disclosure on sexual preference? I was immediately snapped at with, "I'm not 'easy.' Just easy to wind up." And here I though, "What else do you think I meant?"
This is one of the reasons why I'm not fond of talking about myself and what I like. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm damn proud and love myself. But straight guy's reactions always keep me silence if possible. I wouldn't lie about myself but I won't dare shout it on mountaintops. In the long run, I usually end up disgusted and just avoid these friends. Such a nice relationship gone. But really. I'd rather not walk on eggshells, or make others do so, whenever a straight guy thinks each of my move/words mean, "I'm hitting on you."
It saddens me somehow because I always liked the company of straight guys. Their perspective and reactions interest me more than my own group of people. My lifestyle and behavior caters more to straight (or straight-acting) guys than the gay friends I have back home. But all these aren't worth it if I have to be stressed with my tiniest actions/words. "Dude, wake up! You're not my type." I need to be provoked before I could ever utter such words. But I wish my friends understand it without the unnecessary outburst. Sure, when confronted, they often claim they're cool. But actions and reactions tell me differently.
In fact, most of the times, it's the other way around. Either I slip up and get the, "Dude, I'm not gay." type of response... as if I don't know that. Giving compliments to their looks is a very dangerous thing. A tap on the shoulder more often sends the wrong message. Sometimes it makes me think they're more like a woman than I am. A simple glance could make them think I'm sexually harassing them with my eyes. Like I said, I eventually get disgusted.
All I want is a friend whom I can be a bit more butch with. Someone I could talk to and laugh at my stories, and so with his. I got plenty of that. Someone who won't think I want him for sex. I got plenty of that as well. I don't believe in friends-with-benefits. I'm the type of person who strictly segregates a fuck buddy, to a friend. Even friends are segregated into category for me. The gay community back home, and where I am now, are populated with friends. But not the kind I'm seeking right now. Apparently, from my current and some past experiences, no such thing exists.
But in hopes there could be a potential straight friend out there, whom is about to find out his friend is gay, let me voice what some of us feel...
Dude! You're not my type!
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